


The Letter

by friendoftheearth



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-09
Updated: 2016-05-09
Packaged: 2018-06-07 09:58:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6799270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/friendoftheearth/pseuds/friendoftheearth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Letter

The Letter

Aaron had made a great many difficult decisions in his life. There were those that had caused him to loose sleep, those that had torn him apart emotionally, some seemingly impossible ones and there were a few he would always regret making. If only he could turn back time. Yeah... if only! This wasn't the time to dwell on the past, on the wrongs he'd done. He needed to concentrate on the here and now, on what was troubling him so much right now, on the decision he needed to make.

On the face of it, it was such a simply decision, a 'did he or didn't he' one, but he was dithering over it like his very life depended on the choice he made. And it might in a way, it could well affect his future ... but then only if he let it! Why was he doing this? Why was he over-thinking this? Well over-thinking was something he had a tendency to do, at least when it was something major he did. The rest of the time he just didn't think he reacted.

He had to get this right, he had to be sure it was what he wanted, and he had to be ready for anything, prepared for any fallout. He had come so very far these last few months. He'd set himself free of a terrible burden. A soul crushing weight had been lifted from him when he'd opened up about the abuse he'd suffered at Gordon Livesy's hands. He didn't see him as his father any more. He now saw him for what he was, the monster who'd haunted his childhood, whose actions had silently followed him into his youth and adulthood. He hadn't realised how the abuse he'd suffered had blighted his life, he'd thought he'd left it in the past but he'd been wrong, so very wrong. Now that monster had been brought out of the shadows into the daylight, it had been exposed, and was now safely locked away. And it was all because of him, because he'd stopped hiding from the truth, overcome his embarrassment and shame, and found the courage to tell the world about his living nightmare. The guilty verdict had seen him finally wake from that nightmare, and the world actually looked a better place now. He was so much stronger emotionally, so much more content with the man he was. So could he risk doing something that might well knock him back, that might somehow hurt or demoralise him in some way? He couldn't and wouldn't let it! Hadn't he just proved the victor in a clash of wills, in a vicious merciless fight, this was nothing compared to that.

His decision was finally made.

He had been gazing out of his bedroom window, staring unseeingly at the faraway hills, totally lost in his thoughts. He was back in his room now and as he turned around his gaze settled on his bed, on the envelope lying there. His name was written on it, correction... his old name was written on it. He didn't use that surname any more, he didn't want to be associated with the scum who'd given him that name now or ever again. That name tied him to everything he had put behind him, and he truly believed a name change was one of the steps he'd needed to take to be able to move on. It rankled to see Aaron Livesy written so boldly, it irritated him beyond belief and he had to tell himself to stay calm, to not let it get to him, that he needed to keep a clear head for this.

The letter had already caused some upset. Robert had taken it upon himself to keep it from him, two days he'd kept it secret as he'd contemplated destroying it. But his conscience had finally won through, he knew it wasn't his decision to make. When Robert had finally told him about it he had been furious, he'd snatched the letter from Robert's hand, got right in his face and balled him out. Robert had quietly stood there as he'd ranted, letting him unleash his emotions, before apologising for his actions and saying "I just wanted to stop him hurting you again." Aaron knew then that he'd had his best interests at heart, that Robert was just trying to protect him from more pain. That one line of explanation had caused his anger to ebb, and in the same instance to forgive Robert.

Like Robert, Aaron's first thought was to destroy the letter, to rip it into tiny pieces and bin it, then he'd thought about burning it, he'd just been so angry at Gordon Livesy for writing to him that he'd wanted to make some sort of protest. But then his anger had slowly subsided and he'd become curious, he'd wanted to know it's contents, what the bastard had dared to put in ink. He didn't like to admit it but he was also hoping it contained something that would help him heal a little more inside. It was a desperate need, a yearning he didn't really understand, and he didn't much like the idea Livesy could supply the salve needed.

Over the next few hours his mind had alternated between the two options, or had until now.

Taking a deep steadying breath he sat on his bed, rubbing his now sweaty palms on his jeans, he was suddenly nervous, a little scared even but he wasn't going to give in to the fear. Picking up the envelope he tore it open, pulled out the letter and unfolded it...

'Aaron,

Writing this letter is the hardest thing I have ever done, that I will ever do. I'm no good with words, at expressing myself, not when it counts, not when it really matters, and it's vitally important I say what I need to say to you in the right way, so that you accept it as the truth.

Firstly, as hard as it might be for you to believe, I do love you, I always have and I always will. I'd like to think that means something to you or will one far off day, but if not then I understand, just like I can understand the hate you feel for me, it's only what I deserve.'

Aaron shook his head in disbelief, Livesy didn't know the meaning of love, if he'd truly felt anything for him he wouldn't have put him through the ordeal of the trial, he'd have admitted his guilt, wouldn't he? And what was this about understanding the hate he had for him, that he deserved it? He'd constantly denied the abuse, even under oath on the witness stand he'd denied raping him. But here he was admitting to it... well not in so many words but still, reading between the lines it was there, wasn't it?

'I've been forced to face what I did, to acknowledge it as fact and accept it as the truth. I've fought so hard and for so very long to deny it, to myself more than anyone.' 

So he was admitting to it! But he was making it sound like he hadn't acknowledged his guilt until now. But that wasn't true, he'd admitted it to his mum, again not in so many words but he'd made it plain it had happened, and he'd shamelessly looked her right in the eye at the time. Aaron wasn't sure what to make of what had been written so far, it left him a little confused. Maybe that's what his dad... Livesy wanted, to throw him in some way. But why? Aaron knew he was manipulative, he'd proved that over and over but what did he think he had to gain now?

'I can't do that any more. I have to show the same sort of courage you have and admit I hurt you, that I abused you, that I raped you.'

The open admission left Aaron stunned, he could only look at the words and let them slowly sink in. He felt the sting of tears, he'd so needed to hear those words, and he'd long since given up hope of hearing them come out of Livesy's mouth, but this written admission would do, this he would acknowledge. It was enough, it was more than he'd ever expected to get from Livesy.

'I've realised with a sickening jolt that this it isn't about me, that it can't be about me, that it has to be about you. I have to somehow do right by you Son and the only thing I can do for you now is admit my guilt, I know you need to hear that, I know it's part of the healing process, because of me you have a great deal of healing to do. I'm sorry, so very sorry for what I did. I realise such an apology isn't and never could be enough, but again it's something I believe you need to hear, that knowing how remorseful I am will somehow help you heal a little too.'

More tears, brought on first by the use of the word 'Son', he'd lost the right to call him that the first time he'd raped him. When his dad had first come back into his life he'd called him 'Son', it had angered him then and had done so every time he'd said it since. Now though it just saddened him, his father was dead to him. The apology was another reason for his tears, it didn't change what he'd done, it didn't make it any less acceptable, any less wrong it was just something else he'd needed to hear from his abuser. It would help him heal, it would help him move on.

'I'm sure you are wondering about my change of heart, that you're questioning it, you have every right to. But I'm not playing any games Aaron, I've been speaking to someone, a counsellor, actually he's some sort of therapist. I was advised to see him. I said no at first, I didn't believe I needed to, but then I decided I should, that it might benefit me. I walked into the room ready to plead my innocence, I thought it would stand me in good stead should I appeal against my sentence. But once in that room, that all changed. I found it so difficult to look the man sitting opposite me in the eye, and I was instantly on the defensive. I felt like he could see right through me, and I couldn't keep up the pretence any longer. He somehow got me talking and it all came spilling out, the ugliness, the horror, every last sickening detail of what I did to you and eventually about what was done to me.'

What was done to him? What did he mean by that, he'd never done anything to him, he could have, a part of him wanted to kill the sick bastard but he was better than that, and so was Cain and that was why he'd stopped him from killing Livesy.

'Like you I've kept a secret, I buried it deep within me. I actually thought it was safe there, I didn't think it could hurt me or anyone else whilst it was there, but I was wrong. It escaped, and I let it, I gave it life.'

What the hell was Livesy on about now?

'You must have wondered why I had no contact with my own father, why you never saw your grandfather, why I never talked about him?'

Actually he hadn't, he didn't see much of Shadrach either, or any of his family for that matter back then. It seemed the norm and he'd accepted it. He was starting to feel uneasy about what was coming next. He was tempted to scrunch the letter up and toss it in the bin, but knew he couldn't stop reading it now, that as hard as it might prove he had to read every last word.

'I'm not telling you this for any selfish reasons, I'm not hoping for some sympathy or pity, I'm telling you because it might just offer the explanation you need as to why it happened. That's something else I think will help you heal. 

My father was a violent man, he hit me, beat me, it was a regular thing all through my childhood. The abuse didn't stop there though, he raped me, he raped me repeatedly.'

Even though Aaron's suspicions had been aroused by the previous sentence he was still shocked to see the words written there. Right now he just felt numb but he knew that would give way to some emotion, and he wasn't sure what he should feel. Did his father deserve his sympathy? His pity? Maybe he did, and if he did find himself feeling those things well it wouldn't change anything, he would never forgive him for what he'd done. He'd heard about the abused becoming the abuser, it was called the cycle of abuse, at least he thought it was. He could understand that, he could see how it could happen at least where physical abuse was concerned. It wasn't so easy to understand the sexual abuse, he couldn't anyway, and he wasn't going to even try to.

'I kept you away from him, I wasn't going to let him hurt you like he'd hurt me. But in the end it was me you needed protecting from. I hate myself and not just because of what I did to you, but for all the hurt and anguish I've caused you these last months. I could have spared you the trauma of the trial if I'd owned up to what I'd done sooner. I wish I'd been able to, I wish I had seen things as clearly then as I do now. 

Aaron wished he had too, still it was over now.

'How ever many years I'm sentenced to won't be enough, no punishment would be. All I can say is that I will get the help I need to heal and fix what ever is wrong with me.'

Aaron wanted desperately to believe that, because that was the only acceptable outcome.

'I've just gone over what I've written and it's all so inadequate. Nothing I say or do will give you back what I took from you, your innocence, your childhood, your trust in people, your self esteem. The list is endless, the damage I've caused seemingly insurmountable, only it hasn't been. You fought back, you won through. I wish I had your courage, your strength, I wish I was half the man you are. But like the old saying goes, If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.

I think I'd better bring this to a close now, I hope it hasn't been too much of an ordeal for you, it's truly wasn't intended to be. I've written this letter in the sole hope of giving you some closure. 

I'm struggling now because I know this is where I have to say goodbye. Not easy, not what I want but like I said before this isn't about me. 

Be happy Son. Don't let the past mar your future, because for you it's looking bright.

Dad.'

Aaron wiped away a fresh crop of tears, he hated that they were falling because of the letter, that once again his father had made him cry. But it was different this time wasn't it? He wasn't trying to hurt him, he was trying to help him...

End


End file.
